How to Party

(via)

Whether you’re throwing a party or attending one, maybe you think you already know how to party. We’ll see about that.

Drinks

- Andrew WK said, “Put your party where your mouth is.” (Well, he tweeted it, but that just makes it more true.)
- Iron Maiden once spent 20,109 Euro on drinks in a night. Until you’re a rockstar, go with these:
- L.O.C. (liquor of choice)
- Cheap beer (or craft beer, if you’re spendy)
- Mixers (soda, orange juice, cranberry juice)
- WATER
- Quick Booze Math
- 1 keg = 6.88 cases x 24 beers/case = 165.12 beers
- Are you a binge drinker? In 2 hours, 5+ drinks for men is a binge; it’s 4+ for women.
- See, you are using math for something!
- 4 out of 5 college students drink — don’t forget the plastic cups.

Food

Pick one or several. Or puke a lot.
- Delivery pizza (pssst – disposable plates!)
- Frozen grocery store pizza
- Instant mac and cheese
- Epic 6-foot sub sandwich
- “Oh, you want me to feed you too?! You’re out!”
- 24-hour diner trip (with designated driver or in a cab, please)
- Fruits and Veggies?
- Male college students eat 5 servings of produce per week.
- Females are worse, at 4 servings per week .
- You’re supposed to get 35 servings per week. Ouch.

Friends

- Maybe you came with friends. Maybe you’re too cool for friends. (LIAR.)
- How to Look (and Feel!) Approachable:
- Uncross your arms and legs
- Stand up straight
- Lean into others when talking
- Make eye contact
- Take notice of the body language of others
- Ask questions about the person you’re talking to
- How Not to Look (or Feel) Approachable:
- Add “Don’t”s to all the points above. Magic!

Decor

- Wait, decor? WTF is this, the prom planning committee?
- All you need are empty cans and the lightweights asleep on your couch. Ta-da!
- If you must, throw in a strobe light.

Soundtrack

- Andrew WK also tweeted, “Music is proof that life is meant to feel good.”
- Play what you want, except…
- Avoid Top 40.
- Country, jazz and classical are probably also ill-advised.
- Don’t Google “best music for a party.” If you bust out with the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling” people will probably leave.
- Actually, there’s always gonna be that one guy who boos every song, so kick him out and you’re good.

Drugs

- Use your head. And keep your friends close.
- Get your stuff tested (at-home kit or a station at a rave) to make sure it is what you think it is
- That said…
- Risk Comparison of Common Drugs*:
- Alcohol = hang gliding, hypothermia, asbestos – 1 in 1,000 risk of death
- Ecstasy = fighting sports, meningitis, falling down the stairs – 1 in 100,000 risk of death
- LSD and mushrooms = jogging, food allergies, falling out of bed – 1 in 1 million risk of death
- Weed = playgrounds, toxic shock syndrome, sex – 1 in 10 million risk of death
- Ketamine, khat, nitrous and DMT = masturbation, smallpox, spontaneous combustion – 1 in 100 million risk of death
- *Based on a 1998 UK study of chances of death for various activities.

Sex

- Yes, having sex on someone’s parents’ bed (especially your own parents’) is gross.
- Be wary of the host’s bed, too…
- Maybe sneak behind the bushes – but check for vom first!
- If you’re too drunk to remember protection, you’re too drunk to @&$#, and way too drunk to be a parent.
- 1 in 4 surveyed students were drunk last time they got freaky.
- Nearly 1 in 2 didn’t use protection. So nearly half of those people were sober?!

Safety

- Don’t go home alone. And don’t drive if you’re drunk or on drugs..
- At 0.15 BAC (about 2x the legal limit) you’re 200x more likely to crash.
- Even at legal limit 0.8 BAC, 10x more likely than sober.
- About 1 in 5 college students has driven drunk.
- Don’t call text your ex, or that person you kinda like, or your parents. Social safety is important, too.
- Trust your instincts.
- If you’re uncomfortable, leave (with a friend). There’ll be other parties.
- If someone seems pretty ill, consider the hospital. They might be okay… or not.

Recovery

- Hangovers. Ugh. Eat a meal and train your drunk self to drink lots of water.
- Fight the beer belly: hit the gym.
- If you slept with the wrong person, or hit the wrong person, or slept with the person you hit… be adult about it and live to party another day.